Left Behind

If you were to ask me my opinions on suicide, you might be a little shocked. My thoughts on it come from a personal aspect of my life. It comes from both having attempted and being the one left to deal with the aftermath. I think suicide is a very selfish act, in the end. With that being said, I also know when this act is committed there is very little self-control at that moment. Deciding to attempt suicide is because life is so dark, there is no light coming in. So being able to think of anyone while in this pain is impossible.

I understand that I am in no way proud of making this choice. I have attempted suicide (thank God for my failure with that twice.) and I have lost someone very close to me by suicide. I have lost more than one person, unfortunately, but when I was nine, my 11-year-old brother could no longer see the light, he saw no way of life every becoming better than they were at that time, and he believed we all would be better without him around. 

I want to start by saying, can't imagine what he was going through and the emotions he was feeling at that moment when he made the final and last decision he would ever make in his short life. If I could go back in time and change one thing, I like to say I would change going to school that day, but I wouldn't because I had no idea what he was going through. I would change how I made him feel. I would make sure he knew this: he wasn't alone, that life without him would not be better or easier... Because that is something I am not sure I did, like I said, I was NINE.

Now that I am an adult and more in touch with my feelings, I think of things I didn't when I was so young and unable to really understand what was happening. I would let him know this, leaving as an innocent 11-year old, an age where really he hadn't made any mistakes isn't fair! Let's be honest, me trying to live up to his innocence my entire life has been impossible and it makes my screw-ups look 10 times worse. (Thanks bro) 

My first car accident, or second or third, the only time I ever snuck-out (and got caught because no one was there to teach me how to do it) fights with my mom (over ridiculous stuff I see now) or getting pregnant well before I was ready (not a mistake, and I am thankful for her.). All the many mistakes I have made with school, my kids or just my life, in general, seem SO bad when he died before getting the opportunity to make any! I see now, all the mistakes, living my life and learning how to grow up, I was not supposed to be doing alone, he was supposed to be by my side and wasn't.

That is what I am able to see now today. Now that I have made it through the rough patch in life and survived! (Though I know there will be more rough times because that is life.) I would make sure he knew he wasn't alone; he was needed, and that I was there and things would get better if he can just hold on, but at 11 that didn't seem possible, the future seems so far away. 

As my girls go into these dark confusing ages, I tend to worry more and sleep less because of these experiences I think. I see so much of him and me within my girls, it at times is scary. I try to remind them tomorrow is ALWAYS another day, another CHANCE for change. So just get through today and make it to tomorrow.

Lastly, being the one left behind is a lot to live up to as a sibling, so reach out to them rather than leave them!