Truth About Life

     

     It has been a while since I have been on here. Summer for us was the craziest we have had yet.... With the kids getting older and involved in things, it seems there is always something to be done or somewhere to be. On top of that, my life took a drastic turn.... BUT for once, by the grace of God I    know, it has been an ever so blessing, happy and totally new change.

     If someone a year ago had told me my life would be where its at today, I would have called them crazy and never put another thought into it. I mean really, life was at its worse for me. I was heading down a path I never REALLY saw myself going down. I was about to have a huge identity change. I was about to be a single mom of three girls.... I was about to be divorced from the man I took vows to. From the man I was "suppose" to spend the rest of my life with. I won't go into details on either party because they don't matter, then or now. What I will say is life is crazy and everything really does happen for a reason.

     So..... I ended up 29, a mom of three and divorced..... Wow first time I actually said/wrote that, even though its close to a year later. In appropriate language.... LIFE sucked. There was uncountable things going on and more on my mind then I could comprehend at the time. At that time all I could I think about was how I could never try to bring another man into their lives as a "step dad"??? Which made me wonder how could he bring someone in as a step-mom..??? I mean thats what divorce is, its moving forward and finding someone better then you had? That actually made me cry many times, because he had already found someone, (even though at the time I KNEW deep down, she wasn't better, but her priorities were different. She didn't look better nor act better then me. Thats what I tell myself at least, though I really should start working out lol) as I cried my eyes out. A broken home though, the one thing I never wanted for my kids. I wanted them to have what I didn't. We all want our kids to have better then we did.... Its a healthy desire.

      Divorcing in November of 2014, its safe to say  I was far from his favorite person and I couldn't see him without bawling my eyes out. Although we both knew this ( I mean I think he did, we didn't talk about it) However graciously he still allowed me to spend Christmas with his family and our girls as he did thanksgiving with me and our girls. I can never thank him enough though. I was a mess and  was thankful to get them back for new years because they were and are my number one.

     Then February came, and Charlotte had a surgery. Which forced us to be together through that. Forced us day and night. Remembering all the hard times we had faced before. Looking at one another knowing what it meant to be there and feel what we felt. Trying to handle the feeling as she called for one another. We were divorced and that meant feeling nothing. It was suppose to at least. For me as she wanted him I couldn't help but feel nothing but love. Though it was extremely hard, many emotions for both of us arose I think. I just handled then different as I was I'm a different spot. I knew at that point I was not over him, I didn't want to be over him and I wasn't ready to move at all. Though he was and literally was, I just wasn't....
   
      Months and many arguments went on. The I just stopped. I was staying in my own "pitt"! My own bad can't see an out spot. I wanted to cry longer about losing my husband and my best friend.  (The best friend I didn't know I didn't know I had until it was to late mind you) Also about losing the hopes, dreams and  visions I had as a child (that meant 20 years of homes, dreams and visions mind you). I finally begun to let go in April. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt any more and thats what I was doing. I started to do more with friends. I went out with people. I just begun to let go and move forward with the wound knowing and hoping it would scab over. He could be with her, she was clearly better the me for him. I came to terms with that. It was a loss for me, but I was ready to grieve that loss. As he moved on with his life, I slowly begun to be okay, I learned, though very hard, I loved him enough I wanted him happy, even though it wasn't with me. That was a conflict inside myself, I had to let myself believe that. Even with the "moments" that continued to happened.

     As months went on, things just happened. We had a co-parentig relationship. My main thing was NO ONE WAS TO BE AROUND OUR GIRLS.... He agreed. I also believed him on this. That was huge. As we got along.... I don't know we just grew....Into a friendship I had been lacking, a friendship I had been missing. I think he was too.

     So 7 months after our divorce..... He became my boyfriend.... Its better then it ever was married, to  be honest, maybe not the beginning but way better then the last year. We are now so open with our needs, desires and wants that its sometimes SCARY. For me at least.  When something comes up, we do this amazing thing called "communication". Who would have thought it would make such a huge difference LoL.

     We went on our first family of 5 vacation, to Disney World, in October of 2015. Thats right FLORIDA. I couldn't have been happier with the timing pr the ay to went. (Though the  beginning of September we had a four family beach trip and it was priceless. Cant wait for the next multi family trip in January) Florida actually had a lot happen. I got into my own head that he was only making nice because he was with me for a week. If that was the case he wouldn't have spend the 4th of July and Labor Day with me, but I could see this as my mind was thinking it. He wouldn't have bought me an amazing present for my 30th and made my birthday night awesome also. Truth is, he did everything to show me opposite. He was amazing even as I told him my fears, which made me love/care even more.

     We are NOT the same people and we never will be. We don't agree on everything and we never will, but we will not with anyone. Bit he means enough to me I WILL compromise and it doesn't always feel like it. (Sometimes to totally does and I know it feels like it) I will do little things so he knows I care. I will show him as much as possible that his feeling, wants and desires matter to me as I hope mine do him and he wants to she me over and over again...

     Does this mean we will make it???? No it does not (That is hard to face and think about, but its true.) Just because I feel this towards him, doesn't mean he does for me and I have to remember that every time I choose to do something. We are and always will be comfortable with each other (once we are past the hurt), that doesn't mean its a good forever, thats something we each have to find out for ourselves. No matter what though, I want the best for the kids, him and myself....... So truth is, you never really know what the future holds... I would never think I would be thinking about what the next step with my ex-husband is, but I am and I hope its positive, but I wouldnt have it any other way.