Left Behind

If you were to ask me my opinions on suicide, you might be a little shocked. My thoughts on it come from a personal aspect of my life. It comes from both having attempted and being the one left to deal with the aftermath. I think suicide is a very selfish act, in the end. With that being said, I also know when this act is committed there is very little self-control at that moment. Deciding to attempt suicide is because life is so dark, there is no light coming in. So being able to think of anyone while in this pain is impossible.

I understand that I am in no way proud of making this choice. I have attempted suicide (thank God for my failure with that twice.) and I have lost someone very close to me by suicide. I have lost more than one person, unfortunately, but when I was nine, my 11-year-old brother could no longer see the light, he saw no way of life every becoming better than they were at that time, and he believed we all would be better without him around. 

I want to start by saying, can't imagine what he was going through and the emotions he was feeling at that moment when he made the final and last decision he would ever make in his short life. If I could go back in time and change one thing, I like to say I would change going to school that day, but I wouldn't because I had no idea what he was going through. I would change how I made him feel. I would make sure he knew this: he wasn't alone, that life without him would not be better or easier... Because that is something I am not sure I did, like I said, I was NINE.

Now that I am an adult and more in touch with my feelings, I think of things I didn't when I was so young and unable to really understand what was happening. I would let him know this, leaving as an innocent 11-year old, an age where really he hadn't made any mistakes isn't fair! Let's be honest, me trying to live up to his innocence my entire life has been impossible and it makes my screw-ups look 10 times worse. (Thanks bro) 

My first car accident, or second or third, the only time I ever snuck-out (and got caught because no one was there to teach me how to do it) fights with my mom (over ridiculous stuff I see now) or getting pregnant well before I was ready (not a mistake, and I am thankful for her.). All the many mistakes I have made with school, my kids or just my life, in general, seem SO bad when he died before getting the opportunity to make any! I see now, all the mistakes, living my life and learning how to grow up, I was not supposed to be doing alone, he was supposed to be by my side and wasn't.

That is what I am able to see now today. Now that I have made it through the rough patch in life and survived! (Though I know there will be more rough times because that is life.) I would make sure he knew he wasn't alone; he was needed, and that I was there and things would get better if he can just hold on, but at 11 that didn't seem possible, the future seems so far away. 

As my girls go into these dark confusing ages, I tend to worry more and sleep less because of these experiences I think. I see so much of him and me within my girls, it at times is scary. I try to remind them tomorrow is ALWAYS another day, another CHANCE for change. So just get through today and make it to tomorrow.

Lastly, being the one left behind is a lot to live up to as a sibling, so reach out to them rather than leave them! 

Dear First Born Favorite!

As I sit here thinking, Abbie is sitting next to me watching Friends. She loves all the classic shows from “my time” which means I get to see them again and I LOVE it. However, I was in a music mood, so with my headphones securely placed in my ears,  just enough to also hear if any fighting begins, I surrendered to my thoughts hoping to find some new favorites. Then it happened, words started flowing into my mind like a magical waterfall pooling at the bottom waiting to be put together; and to think it all started with a song.

My Sweet-Abigail,

I am not sure when you will read this, or if you will, but if you do, read it well. The words sitting and waiting to be put together were meant for you that night. My dream for you is for you to one day look in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. Although, despite what you might think, I am not “that old” so I remember your age well and I know it is hard to see yourself through others' eyes. Allow me to help you just a little because you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are an amazing, intelligent, loving, kind-spirited, hard-working and one of the highest goal-setting PEOPLE, I have ever known. You have dreams in life and there is nothing you will allow to stand in the way of reaching them. That takes so much dedication at such a young age. You are the most loyal friend I have ever seen. (People your age are seriously missing out on your friendship.) I really wish I could be your best friend right now, I hope you know that. However, right now that is not my job. Not to mention I would be robbing you of having a mom and someone else of the most perfect friend. (The right one will come, I promise.)  I just hope later in life, I am worthy of that friend slot and that you understand why I say this. Now how about we move onto less serious stuff and into the world of music!

    As I sat there on youtube, I know what you’re thinking, “YIKES, mom was on Youtube, this blog is NEVER going to end”, but it will because I set myself a limit. (It just took a little longer to write because you know, one song always leads to another and so on.)  Anyways, a song came on that made me stop, listen and play it again. I had never heard it before, though I knew it would become one we would be listening to likely louder than we should. I hope you remember it as the years go on as well.

I'll Be There - Jess Glynne (Click to watch video on Youtube)

When you’re lost down the river bed, I’ll be there,

When you’re lost in the darkness, I’ll be there,

I’ll be there when your heart is breaking

You’ll never be alone, I’ll be there for you

I’ll be there, I’ll be there for you

Abbie you are learning things are not always easy in this crazy thing called life. You will grow up and one day leaves home. Life is full of changes and they happen all at the same time. Some will be good and some bad. However,  there is one that will remain the same forever; I will always be there for you! Never be afraid to call or come home. 

    Next, The Greatest Showman is a movie I can not say for sure I would have seen on my own simply because I had no idea what it was about. I am glad you forced it upon me after the youth group. It is one amazing, must-see movie, which leads me to my next song pick for you.

This Is Me - Keala Settle (Click to watch video on Youtube)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

As the strong-willed person you are, people will try to make you break you. There will be things people say or do that get to you. Times where you start to doubt and begin to second guess yourself, possibly even who you are. I have one word for you, DON'T! You are exactly who you are meant to be!

    You could be feeling happy, sad, mad, angry or a mix of every emotion we have and you really can’t go wrong with this man. He just helps with feelings and if he isn’t doing the trick his band will! It was hard to pick one song from him, but this song has always stuck out to me in many ways. I also picked two different parts of the songs to put here, but I really hope you will listen to it.

Pieces - Rob Thomas (Click to watch video on Youtube) 

Didn't I tell you, you were gonna break down?

Didn't I warn you? Didn't I warn you?

Better take it easy

Try to find a way out

We build it up, we tear it down

We leave our pieces on the ground

We see no end, we don't know how

We are lost and we're falling

I’ve listened to this song at different times in my own life and it helped in different ways. It is one I think you should have on your playlist at all times and the lyrics printed out to remember. Dark times will come into your life, they are just a part of it. I have learned as I have gotten older, it is important to take care of yourself. You have to learn how to take care of Abbie. Breakdowns are part of… well being a product of me maybe, but how you handle them matters. Let your pieces fall, there are always problems and issues but deal with them because they only build up inside.

    To end I picked a newer song, but a song I just loved. You will meet a million people over the coming years. Some will be real and some fake. This is a reminder of what is needed for any relationship to be strong and really work. Remember friendship is something you can not force, it just has to be a……..

Connection - One Republic (Click to watch video on Youtube) 

Maybe I should try to find the old me

Take me to the places and the people that know me

If there are so many people here, then why am I so lonely?

Real friends, good friends are hard to find, let's face it

With so much technology and faces glued to all the screens, it must be even harder to make real friends these days. Remember to always put the time in with the people you care about and the ones you want to know. Ask questions to get to know many people and make those true connections.

I have many more songs, so there might be a follow up to the in a year or two! As rough times come its always a good time for a song lesson. I love you so much my oldest favorite.

Love you forever and always....... 

          Your momma

Never the Same

   

   
     I have been thinking about how to write this for a few months, but the thought of it also makes me sad so I just haven't wanted to. I must be very careful with what I share, while also getting my thoughts out, because honestly crying in the shower is starting to ruin my showers now!! And thats my alone time!!!!

     Life is complicated, but I had no idea how complicated it could get until it did! Sometimes things happen in life and we never understand why. Things that all we want and desire are answers for why they happened. That's what my life has been like for the past 7 years with little miss Charlotte, but in May, she was really put though the ringer. She was in situations that were unexpected and unknown to me. So even I didn't have the words to soothe her because I couldn't understand or wrap my head around what was was taking place. I later found out we came very close to losing her she was sick!

     A basic run down, in 2 weeks and 6 days Charlotte had 4 surgeries. Not going into to much detail out of respect for her, I will say things got very serious, very fast. There were complications that everyone, including doctors were not prepared for taking place. These were the cause of some of the surgeries and why she later went back for a fifth surgery.

     Everything started in mid May, with a simple fall! Now her life has changed forever. She didn't finish 1st grade because she was not cleared to go back to school until this fall.  So she just jumped into 2nd grade and that is something that she isn't mentally ready for. I hate hearing her cry because she doesn't understand it, can't do it as fast as everyone else or is tired and just to sleep. It is heart breaking. It is something she is having to face now and she knows she is different.

     When I finally just sit and think about everything, all that she has went though, all 20 surgeries, and everything thats happened this past May, I don't understand why. I have seen her go things I wouldn't wish on anyone, watched her push through pain no one should ever have to go through and she's seven. Then I watch her with daily struggles also, and now have a whole new set of worries. Life will NEVER be the same after this. No headache, stomach flu or infection doesn't raise a red flag now. That is so scary to come to the admit!

     I feel sad for the older girls also. Sad that this is their normal. That having their little sister go from an appointment and then into an unknown surgery is "normal" to them. Having her not complete school and having to be the ones to explain to class mates that she's just "not there". Then having her come home a very different person then she had left and having to just accept this because there are really no answers, is all really just another day to them and normal life. This makes me both sad and very proud of them as humans. They handled everything very well and I am lucky to have such exceptional girls. They never have asked what happened, not for the full answers, maybe they can tell I'm not ready to handle giving them. However, they knew something happened to her and life and she would never be the same.

     This is the journey we have been given to navigate through and the way I see it, we have no other options but to proceed through life and carry on. So as Charlotte says, we must remember to "Smile just because" and maybe that will make the sad days shine a little brighter.

Truth About Life

     

     It has been a while since I have been on here. Summer for us was the craziest we have had yet.... With the kids getting older and involved in things, it seems there is always something to be done or somewhere to be. On top of that, my life took a drastic turn.... BUT for once, by the grace of God I    know, it has been an ever so blessing, happy and totally new change.

     If someone a year ago had told me my life would be where its at today, I would have called them crazy and never put another thought into it. I mean really, life was at its worse for me. I was heading down a path I never REALLY saw myself going down. I was about to have a huge identity change. I was about to be a single mom of three girls.... I was about to be divorced from the man I took vows to. From the man I was "suppose" to spend the rest of my life with. I won't go into details on either party because they don't matter, then or now. What I will say is life is crazy and everything really does happen for a reason.

     So..... I ended up 29, a mom of three and divorced..... Wow first time I actually said/wrote that, even though its close to a year later. In appropriate language.... LIFE sucked. There was uncountable things going on and more on my mind then I could comprehend at the time. At that time all I could I think about was how I could never try to bring another man into their lives as a "step dad"??? Which made me wonder how could he bring someone in as a step-mom..??? I mean thats what divorce is, its moving forward and finding someone better then you had? That actually made me cry many times, because he had already found someone, (even though at the time I KNEW deep down, she wasn't better, but her priorities were different. She didn't look better nor act better then me. Thats what I tell myself at least, though I really should start working out lol) as I cried my eyes out. A broken home though, the one thing I never wanted for my kids. I wanted them to have what I didn't. We all want our kids to have better then we did.... Its a healthy desire.

      Divorcing in November of 2014, its safe to say  I was far from his favorite person and I couldn't see him without bawling my eyes out. Although we both knew this ( I mean I think he did, we didn't talk about it) However graciously he still allowed me to spend Christmas with his family and our girls as he did thanksgiving with me and our girls. I can never thank him enough though. I was a mess and  was thankful to get them back for new years because they were and are my number one.

     Then February came, and Charlotte had a surgery. Which forced us to be together through that. Forced us day and night. Remembering all the hard times we had faced before. Looking at one another knowing what it meant to be there and feel what we felt. Trying to handle the feeling as she called for one another. We were divorced and that meant feeling nothing. It was suppose to at least. For me as she wanted him I couldn't help but feel nothing but love. Though it was extremely hard, many emotions for both of us arose I think. I just handled then different as I was I'm a different spot. I knew at that point I was not over him, I didn't want to be over him and I wasn't ready to move at all. Though he was and literally was, I just wasn't....
   
      Months and many arguments went on. The I just stopped. I was staying in my own "pitt"! My own bad can't see an out spot. I wanted to cry longer about losing my husband and my best friend.  (The best friend I didn't know I didn't know I had until it was to late mind you) Also about losing the hopes, dreams and  visions I had as a child (that meant 20 years of homes, dreams and visions mind you). I finally begun to let go in April. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt any more and thats what I was doing. I started to do more with friends. I went out with people. I just begun to let go and move forward with the wound knowing and hoping it would scab over. He could be with her, she was clearly better the me for him. I came to terms with that. It was a loss for me, but I was ready to grieve that loss. As he moved on with his life, I slowly begun to be okay, I learned, though very hard, I loved him enough I wanted him happy, even though it wasn't with me. That was a conflict inside myself, I had to let myself believe that. Even with the "moments" that continued to happened.

     As months went on, things just happened. We had a co-parentig relationship. My main thing was NO ONE WAS TO BE AROUND OUR GIRLS.... He agreed. I also believed him on this. That was huge. As we got along.... I don't know we just grew....Into a friendship I had been lacking, a friendship I had been missing. I think he was too.

     So 7 months after our divorce..... He became my boyfriend.... Its better then it ever was married, to  be honest, maybe not the beginning but way better then the last year. We are now so open with our needs, desires and wants that its sometimes SCARY. For me at least.  When something comes up, we do this amazing thing called "communication". Who would have thought it would make such a huge difference LoL.

     We went on our first family of 5 vacation, to Disney World, in October of 2015. Thats right FLORIDA. I couldn't have been happier with the timing pr the ay to went. (Though the  beginning of September we had a four family beach trip and it was priceless. Cant wait for the next multi family trip in January) Florida actually had a lot happen. I got into my own head that he was only making nice because he was with me for a week. If that was the case he wouldn't have spend the 4th of July and Labor Day with me, but I could see this as my mind was thinking it. He wouldn't have bought me an amazing present for my 30th and made my birthday night awesome also. Truth is, he did everything to show me opposite. He was amazing even as I told him my fears, which made me love/care even more.

     We are NOT the same people and we never will be. We don't agree on everything and we never will, but we will not with anyone. Bit he means enough to me I WILL compromise and it doesn't always feel like it. (Sometimes to totally does and I know it feels like it) I will do little things so he knows I care. I will show him as much as possible that his feeling, wants and desires matter to me as I hope mine do him and he wants to she me over and over again...

     Does this mean we will make it???? No it does not (That is hard to face and think about, but its true.) Just because I feel this towards him, doesn't mean he does for me and I have to remember that every time I choose to do something. We are and always will be comfortable with each other (once we are past the hurt), that doesn't mean its a good forever, thats something we each have to find out for ourselves. No matter what though, I want the best for the kids, him and myself....... So truth is, you never really know what the future holds... I would never think I would be thinking about what the next step with my ex-husband is, but I am and I hope its positive, but I wouldnt have it any other way.

Painted ceiling

When I sit down to write, it's always because I'm hurting and that's how I get some sort of release of the emotions. I am sitting down tonight because I am upset, however I am choosing to write about something totally different. 

I am a female.... Shocker right.!!! I have spent a lot time in hospitals as the "visitors" and a lot of time as a parent of patient.... I whole heartedly LOVE going to Doernbechers Children's hospital. I mean I'm never headed that way for awesome news or appts, BUT it's so soothing. I mean every where you look is something happy. Animals, fish, smiles and rainbows. You go for a cat scan and there is cool pictures to look at. The night ceiling has glow in the dark pictures, there is even tv son the ceiling to watch, it's seriously awesome. It keeps your mind busy as of to why you are really there. It doesn't always make it better, but it takes the edge off.

So I recently had to go in for my pap-smear... The one thing we all can agree is the most uncomfortable, dreadful thing ever. I mean "put your feet in the stirrups and drop your knees" could it be any more awkward?? (Actually it can at some point I need to tell you about when I got my tubes tied) but all us females have to go through this. Well mine was abnormal. Of course to me this was not a surprise because I've already had the cells of cervical cancer and had them "froze". But of course that meant an ultra sound... So I went for that.

Now while at this was when had my "what the hell" thought. I'm laying there on my back legs spread open and a thing looking at my insides and a lady trying to make conversation about the weather, what do I see..... That's right a WHITE CEILING.!!! Why don't we get fishes, TV, pictures, ANYTHING...??? We just lay there trying to keep a conversation going. 

So my idea is someone please paint the ceiling of every room where someone lays down, because really no one got to the doctors because they are awesome.... 

That's my food of thought for the day..!!!

To My Babies....

 

     Becoming a mom was simply the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Through the past 9 years I have been blessed with three amazing little girls. However they are not so little anymore. I have cried more tears for them and their life then I have my own. I have went without to make sure they go with. I have tired to count my blessings and successes more then my failures. With 6 big blue eyes (literally they have big eyes) looking up to me, not only as a mom but as the female role model, I have been forced (I thank them for this) to look at life differently and not care so much about certain things that at one time I gave WAY to much thought to.

     I decided to write this letter to them, because the older I get the less I remember about the pain, fun, heart aches, drama, smiles and tears that come with being a child, kid, preteen, teen and young adult. Before I forget I want all the advice I can think of wrote down for them so they know it was the YOUNG me telling them this, not the old mom who knows nothing. So here is a letter I hope one day helps guide their life when they hit a pot hole and it knocks them off course.

To my sweet pea, lovers and boos,

Let me start with this simple statement, Life is crazy, ohhhh so crazy, please don't expect anything less then that. You three have had to grow up in many ways, much faster then you should have had to. Much of that was not in my control though some of is was and I am sorry for that. As the years go on I have realized I forget sometimes what it's like to be your age. Then when I do, I know the last thing you want is advice from your old mom. So I decided maybe if I write this closer to your age you'll be more likely to take it in. So here is a little advice from my heart to yours. 

* Life is full of choices and decisions, with that always comes a consequence. So as you think through your options, also run by the consequence and remember what ever you choose is on you. No one else is to blame.

* Never be a cheater. I do think there is truth behind behind the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater", because people don't forget and it's only hard the first time. Don't cheat in school, work or on people. All that does is hurt people and yourself. Be an honest, faithful and loyal person. Be someone everyone wants rooting for them in their corner. 

* As a female, your heart will break and even shatter. This will happen more then once and sometimes by people you never thought could be capable of causing you so much pain and agony. So cry and grieve that loss..! Do not bottle it inside. Then pick yourself up off the floor, put some lip gloss on and carry on with life the best way you know how. 

* Every action you make effects many more people then you. Always consider other people emotions and feelings in situations. Sometimes it will change the choice and sometimes it won't. But never think you are the only one effect by your actions. 

* Take the time to listen. Often we just half way listen and hear only what we want to hear, always take the time to listen to people you care about and put the effort in to read between the lines when their words are not coming out right. 

* Never settle my loves, not for anyone and not for anything. Often in life we let or allow people to hurt us over and over again. Know your value and self worth. Hurting you once is enough, don't give someone the ability to do it again. Walk away and leave them or it in the dust of your happiness. 

* If someone wants to walk away from you, let them, they are not worth your desire, future, love or even thought. Walking away is always easier then work, so anyone willing to take the high road isn't someone you need in your life, not for the long haul anyways. 

* Always try new things. New is scary, no doubt about that, but many new things if you don't try you will wish you had. No one has time for regret in their lives, so try it....!!!

* Life is so short...!!! Smell the flowers, chase the rainbow, dance in the rain, sing out of tune, show those that you love that you love them, make lots of friends, but keep the few true good ones close to your life always. 

* Make up only covers up the outside. You've already came across those stunning people who are just not pretty inside and that's not someone people really want to be around long term. Make sure you are as pretty on the inside as on the outside because that's what truely matters and brings the good people to you. 

* You are never to old for dreams. Have them always so you have something to be working toward, but don't forget to live in today while in the process. Life goes by very fast, if you blink to long you may miss something important. 

* There are THREE things I never want to see you become. One I have already mentioned, never become a cheater, liar or addict. Cheating only hurts people and you are WAY better then that, lies will always come out no matter how hard you try and cover them up and addictions have ruined lives of people you know. Remember that first time could be your last so DON'T take the chance. Drugs and alcohol are not your friend, they will crush those dreams I want you to hold onto forever. 

* Life is a roller coaster loves. There will be ups and downs, sunny days followed by a storm. There will be laughter, tears, anger and confusion... These will happen many times in life and sometimes even in the same day over and over and over again until you think you can't breath or take one more thing. Know that you will be OKAY. Life will continue and one day you will look back and be amazed at how you made it through. God never gives you more then you can handle and he is building you by all the different things that you will go through. 

To Abigail. I pray you become everything you desire. You are so smart, driven and amazingly mature, I really can't see anything standing in your way. You have a heart of gold but wear the weight of the world on your shoulders. My advice remember to be strong and stand up for what you believe in and in your opinions, but also know when to let it go, shut that mouth and just know you're right or that your opinions are different. That will take a little weight off I promise. You are an amazing, quirky, smart as heck, independent young lady and I know you can do anything you set your mind to... 

To Brooklynn. You are the most loving person I know. You have retaught me the meaning of true love. You have a love for everything within you that I can only dream about having, animals, nature, people and even things. To you everything has feelings and that is a quality that can take you into so many amazing places, never lose that. However, remember not everyone wants to be touched.... Those hands my dear stay on you.... I hope by time you read this, you have learned that. Stay the sweet loving girl you are deep inside....

To Charlotte. You have more strength, courage, kindness, self discipline, understanding and acceptance then anyone I have ever known. The things you have went through in life I couldn't imagine and yet you smile the whole way through. Everyone who comes into your path leaves touched by your beauty within. Stay true to that and never listen to people who say "you can't". There is always a way..! When it is time for you to be your own advocate I know you will make all the right choices for YOU! I hope you never use your differences to get things. Use it to help people if for anything. Never lose your courage, kindness or smile my sweet child. 

One day I will be old and I know between the three of you I will be in good hands. You have brought me much joy, many tears, countless sleepless nights, more smiles and laughs then I can count and most of all you have made my heart complete. I have you for such a short time and I will cherish this time so I have many memories to look back on when you spread your wings and fly. Whatever you might be going through, when you read this know.... It will be okay and the sun will shine through again... I promise... And I never make a promise I can't keep..!!

Love you to the moon

Around the stars 

And back again 

   Momma

Sharing this makes me cry as my babies grow up. I look at them and know I am raising well rounded, opinionated, sassy and independent woman for our future.....

Strict Parenting

     My children, as of now have never said the "I hate you" words to me, but I have got those eyes. I prey the words will never come. They have said "You're SO mean", "I cant believe you" or even "I am running away from you" (Shit hit the fan with that one..!!) Truth is even when I think my kids are being absolutely horrible, no good, embarrassing brats I always get compliments on how well behaved they are.

     I KNOW I am a very "different" kind of parent. I know I have a strict routine that is not an option, as well as rules that are not made to be broken. My kids know to not say anything if it isn't nice, they understand the meaning of respect for people as well as things. They have a good understanding of consequences for unacceptable behavior. 

  

    

     

     I use to think being this way as a parent was a bad thing, overboard or maybe they were missing out on things. After paying attention to kids around me, being around more children then just mine and lengthy talks with their pediatrician, I have come to the conclusion IT'S A GREAT THING..!!!! I am not crazy after all. My children will never run this house and they may hate me now at times, but they will love me later for these few things.

1. Your mess you clean it..!

I remind them "my standard cleaning not yours". I feel people don't give their children enough credit for what they really are capable of. You make the mess you clean it. Teach them this young and save many arguments later. Believe me they are capable of cleaning up.  

2. You break it, its GONE for good.

"If you do not take care of the toys you have don't expect me to replace it, or even buy you more." This is something I instilled in my girls heads really early in life. Money doesn't  made from trees and they just see the spending part not so much the making of money. If your children break their toy, don't rush out and replace it, let them learn a lesson. Make them want to take care of the things they have. 

3. Force them to try so they can learn. 

Biggest pet peeve is parents who do everything for their kids. Tell them an hour before you have to walk out the door to get their coat on AND zip it. That is how they learn to do things. Same as wiping, reading, math, and everything in life. Try and you shall succeed. They have a school project let them do the work and over see it from a distance. Don't bail them out because one day you wont have the bail money. 

4. Control screen time. (TV, Movies, Tablets, Computers, Phones and any other gadget) 

My kids are electronic deprived and I wouldn't change it for the world. They get an hour or less (depends how fast they do their chores) before bed and that's it. My oldest has a nook that she READS on. They do not have tablets, phones, they cant work a DVD player, but can however work the remote. When they watch TV, they SIT AND WATCH. We don't get up, go do something come back, move around the whole time or be rowdy and loud. I don't actually have to tell them this because they are glued to the TV when its finally time. My kids know how to play for hours and use their little imaginations. I believe this is the way it should be.

5. Have an acceptable bed time and stick to it.

My kids are in bed by 8:15 pm. They don't actually WANT to bed, what kid does. They have learned however it doesn't really matter if you want to or not, its happening. I want silence and need it so their little butts are in beds. With this there has been lots of research that a bed time routine and solid good amount of sleep is needed for growing learning brains of all ages... So let their brains grow and have some you time. 

6. No actually does mean no. And stop really does mean stop.

Now I have three girls, so teaching them no means no from day one was important to me from all angles. I try to refrain saying the word no but sometimes that really is all that can be said. If I say no and you ask me or someone else again you bet there is going to be a conversation followed by an extra chore as a consequence (I love giving those out, less work for me). If I say stop or your sisters say stop you need to respect the word and stop. As do I if they ask me to stop doing something such as tickling. Respecting them is also teaching them the action of respect. Monkey see Monkey do right. 

7. Let them be responsible for themselves. 

This year I gave my daughter an alarm clock in the second grade and told her to get up for school. She looked at me like I was crazy. (She had to be up by 6:30 am and out the door buy 7:10 am) Of course I got up also, but a few weeks into school she was up before me, dressed and ready for breakfast. She was so proud of herself and I was of her too. Responsibility is a huge thing and gives so much confidence. An alarm clock is a great opportunity for structured responsibility. 

     With this said my girls are far from perfect. They will be the first hold the door open for a stranger, help someone who needs it expecting nothing in return and for the most part listen (they each have their days, but don't we all). They are healthy and happy and have open minds about things. So some where in my crazy strict, put up with no lip parenting, I must be doing something right....

     

Baseball Life

   
     I had my first daughter 8.5 years ago. I was not the ideal mom right away, it took me a while to really accept the role and feel like I deserved her. It also took even longer to realize she needed me. Since her I have had two more, a total of THREE girls.... Teen years should be fun in this house, that's for sure..!! I was always glad I had girls since my brother passed away it would bring up less sadness because they would do girl things. 

     Baseball season has started... Okay so it started a while ago and I am just sharing this. Abigail has been asking me to put her in baseball for a little over two years now. I have always come up with excuses because the sport holds a sore spot in my heart.

     My brother who pasted away 19 years ago (seems like yesterday it happened) played baseball for many years, well from T-Ball to the year he died. He was not the best player, but he had a fun out going attitude  they all wanted on the team. Also that boy could RUN.

     After Christoper past away the sport was never the same. Rather then T-Ball my mom and I started going to professional games. I had spent so much time at the baseball fields for practice, games, meetings or even pepperoni sales. I grew up watching the same boys play, I made friends with their younger siblings had my first "kiss" in the score box. As you can see little league baseball brought brought back a lot of memories.

     After a year of dealing with some things I finally asked her if she wanted to play this year. She of course said YES.... The next week I signed her up before I changed my mind.

The first practice I cried my eyes out. It was hard watching her. Not to mentions she also sucked, so it was like watching him play miss the ball and run after it. However I had never felt like more of mom then I did at that moment. I had also never felt so close to him, feeling like I was bringing something so close to his life into theirs. Its as close as they can get to a relationship with him. That made me both happy and sad....

     I have figured out how to make new relationships with my brother and let go of the past one we had as children. I found new ways to accept the emptiness then feeling unworthy of him daily. I have learned to not be ashamed of him being my brother and to bring him into my kids life the best I can. Say his name. Play baseball. Play the piano. Remember the good and the bad, talk about it and be happy to talk about it.

      Now with my daughter I have a gained a bond I didn't know was possible between us. I finally feel like a real mom, a needed mom and an important mom. I think she needed this window open and so did I.

      Sometimes you have to take a risk, make the jump and let yourself into the unknown to get something so great you didn't know it was possible. I have regained a love for the sport and watching little ones play. I can do it without being sad and make new memories now. For this I am grateful. Ill end with a few pictures of my baby playing the American game...

The Jamboree... First time to play a game

She loves running the bases

Playing catcher like a pro

Not My Dog After All

   

     Nine months ago I pulled money out of the bank, addressed an envelope and made a life altering decision I was not 100% about but knew it was now or never. 

     On June 2 2013, I woke up like any other morning, grabbed my phone and read my personal newspaper called Facebook (you all do it don't lie).... I saw that my friends dog had puppies! Well he was the father at least. They were perfect and adorable pure breed golden retriever puppies...! I instantly commented inquiring details not sure if I wanted one or could even handle a puppy. It was the last thing I needed for the busy summer I had ahead of me.

     I did some research found out about training for a companion dog and what that would cost, if it was doable and if that was what I wanted. One week later I placed that addressed envelope in the mail and knew 11 weeks later I would be busy potty training a puppy.... Truth is I probably would have agreed to anything and found everything I "needed" to find because I desperately wanted a dog again and knowing I could ask for the personality that would fit our family was a winner also.
     Maggie drove me NUTS for a while. There were plenty of times I thought I made a huge mistake and I needed to find her a home. I was so tired and felt like I was getting no where. Soon after she came home Charlotte needed open heart surgery, Maggie went to stay with my friend (thank God for good friends willing to help me out) and I felt like every little progress I made was going to be gone. We made it through the situation and she was even better in ways when I got her back.
     A few weeks later I had a huge scare, Maggie was on her death bed with what the vet and I feared  was parvo.! I cried a lot thinking I was going to lose her and she was perfect..... 12 hours later she pooped out 3 socks... brat came through. Its safe to say, seeing her like that and thinking I would lose her is what made me love her that much more..!!

     I started her training right after this, basic training, puppy class.... She did great of course. She met her best friend Kona in this class and really showed me how smart she really can be (and that the socks are an unhealthy addiction at this point). 

   

     However, shes in her third class now and things are a little harder then I had expected. You see I LOVE dogs... I love petting them, playing with them, loving and training them. I have a great love for animals. This is a problem with Maggie.... I got her as companion for my daughter and she is doing so well with that training, but she is so young she can't yet determine "off time" and loyalty to Charlotte with me being the lover I am. This is so hard for me. The trainer said its the age now that will determine her making the cut which I need her to make. The only way I could justify getting her was to train her so she can go to OHSU with us, go to the Ronald McDonald House, learn to detect seizures and be the one constant thing for Charlotte with all her ups and downs. What I was not prepared for was taking me out of this equation. I think I must have not noticed that part while reading conveniently...

     Let me explain real fast what I mean by this. No more evening cuddles, no more sitting for hours petting her, limited play dates, constant redirecting, no exited baby voice from me to her, Charlotte now feeds her, she now sleeps with Charlotte and no longer with me. This is what I was not aware of, but this is what is needed to help her succeed in becoming a companion dog. 

     I was not aware of how sad this would make me. I subconsciously got her for me. I knew this when I mailed the check but thought it would be okay. 

     I have now brought Charlotte into the training, into the life of making HER dog perfect for her and helping her. Though my heart breaks for me (I really wanted a dog damn it) its full of joy for her. These two are two peas in a pod already and I can only imagine the love Charlotte feels for her when she lays next to her after a seizure, or brings her "honey bunny" when crying, or her newest gives her the inhaler. 

     Here are a few of my favorite pictures of the two....

 Sock addiction caught.... 

 First trip to the beach 

"Maggie DOP"

Late Night Convo

     As I sit here drinking my coffee one child in my lap I cant help but think about the almost two hour conversation I had with an old friend last night. To be honest shes not even an "old" friend. More like an old acquaintance that has now become a friend. So we just know each others childhood I suppose.

     Needless to say her and I amazingly think A LOT a like so the conversation I'm sure she didn't intend to be that long at 10:30 PM just flew by. There are things about my life I often wonder if I am doing right or acting in the right manner. I have also often wondered if my brain thinks differently then then others with need to over analyze, plan and make lists.  The conclusion I came up with by the time of hitting END was yes indeed I am doing the right thing and hell yes I do think just a little different.

     I am by no means mother of the year, I mean seriously we all have our days that we could do better as a parent. I had my year I could have done way better, but I do not dwell on this. I have decided to learn from my mistakes and move forward.

     There is one thing about me I have changed for the better, that is my priority list. As a young mom I didn't always put my child or children first. This was not due to my age, but rather due to my selfishness and unwillingness to make the necessary changes in putting someone else before myself. I am proud to say my children now and forever will always be number ONE..... The rest of the list may change with different circumstances and whats more important at the time, but my kids will always be first. This has lost me relationships in the past, I now know those were not real relationships. Three kids is a lot to take in and swallow for some people, but if you can not take me with the little munchkins and everything they bring to the table, then you also don't need any part of me, in your life. She reassured me that living and breathing them is okay, that I am a good mom for not thinking of myself first, but that its also more then okay to go do something for me sometimes. Just takes a little more planning, I cant drop things and go.

     I have also learned that no, I do not think normally, but that is okay with me. I would much rather over think and call someone to analyze a situation with me (I now know who to call) then live in the world of not knowing the possible out comes. This can be a bad, stay up all night, think to much, make the situation worse in your head problem, but, it can also prepare you for the worse, allow your brain to be ready for anything and be so happy with a good out come. I love that I am prepared and not blind when things happen. My philosophy is "prepare for the worse, hope for the best, but expect nothing".

     I'm very happy to have these questions out of my mind and very lucky to have someone who thinks like me in more ways then one that I can always call...