Becoming Me

The past 9 months I have done a lot of self growth. I'm not sure if its age, my children or just trying to deal all the skeletons in my closet slowly. But I am glad I have started this journey whatever the reason.

Some things over the past week have led me to think about why I am where I am today, and why I am not ME. A few weeks ago I heard a song by 3 Doors Down called " Let me be myself" and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is my main issue and I know if I let me be me again everything will change..! This however is easier said then done and it doesnt happen over night.

When I got pregnant with my second child, I was not far from rock bottom. I knew I wasn't at rock bottom because I had been there a few months back...! This was my SECOND child out of wed lock, (because I dont learn the lesson the first time around I guess) I wasn't ready for another one and I didn't want to be stuck! I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore and I didn't know what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to be the girl with all these kids that came across as a whore, because I wasn't. So we decided to get married (after lots of pressure and being told what to do)...

This is where I lost me and became what would he wanted and what his family would accept. At this time I didnt realize this was going on or maybe I didnt want to see it. This was the biggest mistake I could have made. In short detail, it started out as kinda a basic list of dos and don't when we were around family, shortly after it became apparent my beliefs or thoughts on compelling issues didnt matter because they were different and "wrong". I was young and dumb so I just kept my mouth shut and always nodded..! I never should have lead on that I agreed. I mean seriously, just leave the room right?? I think this went on for so long it started to become unclear to me what I actually thought on things. Until I started trying to remember me. The old me, the real me..!  I'm not saying this is his fault at all. We were both young. Just things are so hard when you are young and in this situation. We did what we thought was best and that ended up to be a disaster in the long run.

So here is what I believe as of now, never judge others, you are not in their shoes and never will be, you don't knew what roads they have been down nor where they will go. So treat everyone with the kindness and respect they deserve. We answer for our life and our choices, no one else's, so who cares who a man marries or loves, not me, it's not my place to make a girl keep an unwanted baby just because I did and I know the out come can be okay,  it's not my place to talk trash about the guy on the corner, I have no idea what he has been through, seen or done...! Help when you can, one day you might need it! Never turn your back on someone because they don't handle a situation like you would, they are not you!

 This is going to be a long stop and go road for me, but it's time to let me be me again..! And find who I was, let her go, and become who I desire to be...

Looking Back

When I was 9 my world turned upside down. I was a young girl. I didn't know the full impact of what was going on. I didn't know how it would truly change my life and who I was. My "dad" left! Big deal right? It happened to many of us growing up and we made it out ok. Divorce isn't that shocking and it  wasn't the major event that would form me into the person I am today. I'm sure it had a small impact, but not major. Shortly after that event happened, my brother died. It was only the two of us growing up and we were CLOSE. Everyone always said I was his shadow. If Christopher was there I wasn't far behind. So losing him was the first day I became lost, and I don't think I have ever found myself or dealt with the loss.

Now losing someone also isn't out of the ordinary and I know this, but I can honestly say I wish it had been a car accident, cancer, heart attack anything "natural". No instead my 11 year old brother commit suicide, being the youngest to have commit suicide at that time. Now when I was younger and people would say he was selfish and stupid I would get extremely upset. He was a sad lonely boy, who thought he was the problem and the reason our family was no longer together. That if he wasn't here my "dad" would return to us. Again he was 11! To say these things about an innocent boy was appalling and disgusting to me. How dare they. Though some how my mom and I made it though those years, still here and standing. Some days stronger than others, but never forgetting that pain.

Now, I am 27 with kids. I understand a little more of what people meant.  Though still horrible timing to have said such mean things. But he was a selfish ass. He didn't think ahead at all, he didn't think past that moment and that feeling at the time. He didn't think of everything he would deprive other people of by making this ONE final decision! All he thought about was the pain HE felt that moment, probably a few weeks of pain actually. Probably the years of being bullied for being hard of hearing, back when schools didn't do anything. He thought about the negative in our lives, he didn't see a way out of the depression. I understand all of this, but I don't understand why I wasn't enough to make him think twice? And this is the problem with suicide!

Because he was my only sibling, he has deprived my children of having an uncle on my side, cousin from my side , I will never get real blood nieces, or a sister in law. My mom will never get to be the mother in-law. Now that I am older, I miss the adult sibling relationship I never got the chance to have. I miss the family that broke that day. I miss the protector he was suppose to be as my older brother. I miss nieces or nephews! I miss him making mistakes instead of me and learning from his. (Living up to a perfect 11 year old has been an epic failure) I miss loving Spring time, the 4th of July, the holidays and our Christmas Eve sleep outs.

To end, I don't hate him, I don't think he is a horrible person. I think he had a selfish moment that he let take his life forever. As selfish as the act was, I also understand the feeling of no way out, the loneliness he felt, the solution he found himself in thinking it was the answer. The problem with suicide is, though it's a selfish act, everyone around feels guilty and is left with a feeling of unworthiness. A feeling that can break an entire family and leave you with the never ending, never to be answered questions of why?  Why him? Why not someone else? Why wasn't I enough? I will live asking these forever. I will missing things we never had forever. The fact I will never have my brother back and I dread the day I have to explain to my girls why their uncle isn't here.

Life's Unexpected Throws

I remember as a child the hopes and dreams I had for myself. Yet, like many where on the crazy road called life, I have found myself lost. Lost on the unstoppable twisty and windy of roads life that felt that were leading me nowhere. I always remembered the saying, "Life is what you make it" and would think to myself, what can I do to make the today better day. This normally works, but lately it's one curve ball followed by a fast pitch down the middle. I told my mom the other day, she lied to me pretty much my whole life not knowing it, because she made life look so easy.
My life has been a roller foster for as long as I can remember, well since I was 9 and my dad left and my brother died. I guess things like that are expected to cause some uproar in life. But it's nothing someone can't get through. I kept a smile on my face as much as possible going through these tough times.
High school came, I worked, kept my grades up, had few friends and honestly stayed to myself a lot because my brothers death had kinda followed me.
After that I kinda went wild for a bit and low and be hold my first daughter at 20. In many ways, she saved me. That sounds cliche I know, but it's true. I was on a long road of destruction until she came along and I either cleaned up my act or screwed up a little person who didn't deserve it... So I move home, got an honest job with caring coworkers and worried about not only my future but hers as well...
This is when I thought things would begin to go better.
They did for a while, I will spare the details but a short version, met Mr.Perfect, lost Mr.Perfect, fell apart in everyway possible and got off the right page again. I then was expecting my second girl and this is where I choose wrong... Not in keeping her, but making life long decisions on temporary circumstances. And making all these decisions for all the wrong reasons.
I married my party buddy, and I quit drinking all together because I was pregnant and that's what we do.  Married life has always been rocky for us and I don't now if it ever won't be. I just wonder had we things for the right reasons would things be different?? We had a third to try and fix something that was broken, another DONT DO... She didn't help us, but helped me.

My third and last baby girl has a list of health conditions that seems to grow every time I think, "I can't take one more thing on this plate" and she has taught me that everyday is a gift, everyday there will be stress, everyday my patience will be tested, and every night I will go to bed knowing her life is not in my control. That's tough for me to swallow because I love control. But something I have faced and face again every appt I go to.
So now I know life is full of unexpected balls of sadness, sorrow, happy, joy , regret, and every other emotion one can think of... It's weither you choose to sit and feel pity for yourself or take the ball and roll with that will make your day better... I choose to roll with it....