Truth About Life

     

     It has been a while since I have been on here. Summer for us was the craziest we have had yet.... With the kids getting older and involved in things, it seems there is always something to be done or somewhere to be. On top of that, my life took a drastic turn.... BUT for once, by the grace of God I    know, it has been an ever so blessing, happy and totally new change.

     If someone a year ago had told me my life would be where its at today, I would have called them crazy and never put another thought into it. I mean really, life was at its worse for me. I was heading down a path I never REALLY saw myself going down. I was about to have a huge identity change. I was about to be a single mom of three girls.... I was about to be divorced from the man I took vows to. From the man I was "suppose" to spend the rest of my life with. I won't go into details on either party because they don't matter, then or now. What I will say is life is crazy and everything really does happen for a reason.

     So..... I ended up 29, a mom of three and divorced..... Wow first time I actually said/wrote that, even though its close to a year later. In appropriate language.... LIFE sucked. There was uncountable things going on and more on my mind then I could comprehend at the time. At that time all I could I think about was how I could never try to bring another man into their lives as a "step dad"??? Which made me wonder how could he bring someone in as a step-mom..??? I mean thats what divorce is, its moving forward and finding someone better then you had? That actually made me cry many times, because he had already found someone, (even though at the time I KNEW deep down, she wasn't better, but her priorities were different. She didn't look better nor act better then me. Thats what I tell myself at least, though I really should start working out lol) as I cried my eyes out. A broken home though, the one thing I never wanted for my kids. I wanted them to have what I didn't. We all want our kids to have better then we did.... Its a healthy desire.

      Divorcing in November of 2014, its safe to say  I was far from his favorite person and I couldn't see him without bawling my eyes out. Although we both knew this ( I mean I think he did, we didn't talk about it) However graciously he still allowed me to spend Christmas with his family and our girls as he did thanksgiving with me and our girls. I can never thank him enough though. I was a mess and  was thankful to get them back for new years because they were and are my number one.

     Then February came, and Charlotte had a surgery. Which forced us to be together through that. Forced us day and night. Remembering all the hard times we had faced before. Looking at one another knowing what it meant to be there and feel what we felt. Trying to handle the feeling as she called for one another. We were divorced and that meant feeling nothing. It was suppose to at least. For me as she wanted him I couldn't help but feel nothing but love. Though it was extremely hard, many emotions for both of us arose I think. I just handled then different as I was I'm a different spot. I knew at that point I was not over him, I didn't want to be over him and I wasn't ready to move at all. Though he was and literally was, I just wasn't....
   
      Months and many arguments went on. The I just stopped. I was staying in my own "pitt"! My own bad can't see an out spot. I wanted to cry longer about losing my husband and my best friend.  (The best friend I didn't know I didn't know I had until it was to late mind you) Also about losing the hopes, dreams and  visions I had as a child (that meant 20 years of homes, dreams and visions mind you). I finally begun to let go in April. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt any more and thats what I was doing. I started to do more with friends. I went out with people. I just begun to let go and move forward with the wound knowing and hoping it would scab over. He could be with her, she was clearly better the me for him. I came to terms with that. It was a loss for me, but I was ready to grieve that loss. As he moved on with his life, I slowly begun to be okay, I learned, though very hard, I loved him enough I wanted him happy, even though it wasn't with me. That was a conflict inside myself, I had to let myself believe that. Even with the "moments" that continued to happened.

     As months went on, things just happened. We had a co-parentig relationship. My main thing was NO ONE WAS TO BE AROUND OUR GIRLS.... He agreed. I also believed him on this. That was huge. As we got along.... I don't know we just grew....Into a friendship I had been lacking, a friendship I had been missing. I think he was too.

     So 7 months after our divorce..... He became my boyfriend.... Its better then it ever was married, to  be honest, maybe not the beginning but way better then the last year. We are now so open with our needs, desires and wants that its sometimes SCARY. For me at least.  When something comes up, we do this amazing thing called "communication". Who would have thought it would make such a huge difference LoL.

     We went on our first family of 5 vacation, to Disney World, in October of 2015. Thats right FLORIDA. I couldn't have been happier with the timing pr the ay to went. (Though the  beginning of September we had a four family beach trip and it was priceless. Cant wait for the next multi family trip in January) Florida actually had a lot happen. I got into my own head that he was only making nice because he was with me for a week. If that was the case he wouldn't have spend the 4th of July and Labor Day with me, but I could see this as my mind was thinking it. He wouldn't have bought me an amazing present for my 30th and made my birthday night awesome also. Truth is, he did everything to show me opposite. He was amazing even as I told him my fears, which made me love/care even more.

     We are NOT the same people and we never will be. We don't agree on everything and we never will, but we will not with anyone. Bit he means enough to me I WILL compromise and it doesn't always feel like it. (Sometimes to totally does and I know it feels like it) I will do little things so he knows I care. I will show him as much as possible that his feeling, wants and desires matter to me as I hope mine do him and he wants to she me over and over again...

     Does this mean we will make it???? No it does not (That is hard to face and think about, but its true.) Just because I feel this towards him, doesn't mean he does for me and I have to remember that every time I choose to do something. We are and always will be comfortable with each other (once we are past the hurt), that doesn't mean its a good forever, thats something we each have to find out for ourselves. No matter what though, I want the best for the kids, him and myself....... So truth is, you never really know what the future holds... I would never think I would be thinking about what the next step with my ex-husband is, but I am and I hope its positive, but I wouldnt have it any other way.

Painted ceiling

When I sit down to write, it's always because I'm hurting and that's how I get some sort of release of the emotions. I am sitting down tonight because I am upset, however I am choosing to write about something totally different. 

I am a female.... Shocker right.!!! I have spent a lot time in hospitals as the "visitors" and a lot of time as a parent of patient.... I whole heartedly LOVE going to Doernbechers Children's hospital. I mean I'm never headed that way for awesome news or appts, BUT it's so soothing. I mean every where you look is something happy. Animals, fish, smiles and rainbows. You go for a cat scan and there is cool pictures to look at. The night ceiling has glow in the dark pictures, there is even tv son the ceiling to watch, it's seriously awesome. It keeps your mind busy as of to why you are really there. It doesn't always make it better, but it takes the edge off.

So I recently had to go in for my pap-smear... The one thing we all can agree is the most uncomfortable, dreadful thing ever. I mean "put your feet in the stirrups and drop your knees" could it be any more awkward?? (Actually it can at some point I need to tell you about when I got my tubes tied) but all us females have to go through this. Well mine was abnormal. Of course to me this was not a surprise because I've already had the cells of cervical cancer and had them "froze". But of course that meant an ultra sound... So I went for that.

Now while at this was when had my "what the hell" thought. I'm laying there on my back legs spread open and a thing looking at my insides and a lady trying to make conversation about the weather, what do I see..... That's right a WHITE CEILING.!!! Why don't we get fishes, TV, pictures, ANYTHING...??? We just lay there trying to keep a conversation going. 

So my idea is someone please paint the ceiling of every room where someone lays down, because really no one got to the doctors because they are awesome.... 

That's my food of thought for the day..!!!

To My Babies....

 

     Becoming a mom was simply the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Through the past 9 years I have been blessed with three amazing little girls. However they are not so little anymore. I have cried more tears for them and their life then I have my own. I have went without to make sure they go with. I have tired to count my blessings and successes more then my failures. With 6 big blue eyes (literally they have big eyes) looking up to me, not only as a mom but as the female role model, I have been forced (I thank them for this) to look at life differently and not care so much about certain things that at one time I gave WAY to much thought to.

     I decided to write this letter to them, because the older I get the less I remember about the pain, fun, heart aches, drama, smiles and tears that come with being a child, kid, preteen, teen and young adult. Before I forget I want all the advice I can think of wrote down for them so they know it was the YOUNG me telling them this, not the old mom who knows nothing. So here is a letter I hope one day helps guide their life when they hit a pot hole and it knocks them off course.

To my sweet pea, lovers and boos,

Let me start with this simple statement, Life is crazy, ohhhh so crazy, please don't expect anything less then that. You three have had to grow up in many ways, much faster then you should have had to. Much of that was not in my control though some of is was and I am sorry for that. As the years go on I have realized I forget sometimes what it's like to be your age. Then when I do, I know the last thing you want is advice from your old mom. So I decided maybe if I write this closer to your age you'll be more likely to take it in. So here is a little advice from my heart to yours. 

* Life is full of choices and decisions, with that always comes a consequence. So as you think through your options, also run by the consequence and remember what ever you choose is on you. No one else is to blame.

* Never be a cheater. I do think there is truth behind behind the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater", because people don't forget and it's only hard the first time. Don't cheat in school, work or on people. All that does is hurt people and yourself. Be an honest, faithful and loyal person. Be someone everyone wants rooting for them in their corner. 

* As a female, your heart will break and even shatter. This will happen more then once and sometimes by people you never thought could be capable of causing you so much pain and agony. So cry and grieve that loss..! Do not bottle it inside. Then pick yourself up off the floor, put some lip gloss on and carry on with life the best way you know how. 

* Every action you make effects many more people then you. Always consider other people emotions and feelings in situations. Sometimes it will change the choice and sometimes it won't. But never think you are the only one effect by your actions. 

* Take the time to listen. Often we just half way listen and hear only what we want to hear, always take the time to listen to people you care about and put the effort in to read between the lines when their words are not coming out right. 

* Never settle my loves, not for anyone and not for anything. Often in life we let or allow people to hurt us over and over again. Know your value and self worth. Hurting you once is enough, don't give someone the ability to do it again. Walk away and leave them or it in the dust of your happiness. 

* If someone wants to walk away from you, let them, they are not worth your desire, future, love or even thought. Walking away is always easier then work, so anyone willing to take the high road isn't someone you need in your life, not for the long haul anyways. 

* Always try new things. New is scary, no doubt about that, but many new things if you don't try you will wish you had. No one has time for regret in their lives, so try it....!!!

* Life is so short...!!! Smell the flowers, chase the rainbow, dance in the rain, sing out of tune, show those that you love that you love them, make lots of friends, but keep the few true good ones close to your life always. 

* Make up only covers up the outside. You've already came across those stunning people who are just not pretty inside and that's not someone people really want to be around long term. Make sure you are as pretty on the inside as on the outside because that's what truely matters and brings the good people to you. 

* You are never to old for dreams. Have them always so you have something to be working toward, but don't forget to live in today while in the process. Life goes by very fast, if you blink to long you may miss something important. 

* There are THREE things I never want to see you become. One I have already mentioned, never become a cheater, liar or addict. Cheating only hurts people and you are WAY better then that, lies will always come out no matter how hard you try and cover them up and addictions have ruined lives of people you know. Remember that first time could be your last so DON'T take the chance. Drugs and alcohol are not your friend, they will crush those dreams I want you to hold onto forever. 

* Life is a roller coaster loves. There will be ups and downs, sunny days followed by a storm. There will be laughter, tears, anger and confusion... These will happen many times in life and sometimes even in the same day over and over and over again until you think you can't breath or take one more thing. Know that you will be OKAY. Life will continue and one day you will look back and be amazed at how you made it through. God never gives you more then you can handle and he is building you by all the different things that you will go through. 

To Abigail. I pray you become everything you desire. You are so smart, driven and amazingly mature, I really can't see anything standing in your way. You have a heart of gold but wear the weight of the world on your shoulders. My advice remember to be strong and stand up for what you believe in and in your opinions, but also know when to let it go, shut that mouth and just know you're right or that your opinions are different. That will take a little weight off I promise. You are an amazing, quirky, smart as heck, independent young lady and I know you can do anything you set your mind to... 

To Brooklynn. You are the most loving person I know. You have retaught me the meaning of true love. You have a love for everything within you that I can only dream about having, animals, nature, people and even things. To you everything has feelings and that is a quality that can take you into so many amazing places, never lose that. However, remember not everyone wants to be touched.... Those hands my dear stay on you.... I hope by time you read this, you have learned that. Stay the sweet loving girl you are deep inside....

To Charlotte. You have more strength, courage, kindness, self discipline, understanding and acceptance then anyone I have ever known. The things you have went through in life I couldn't imagine and yet you smile the whole way through. Everyone who comes into your path leaves touched by your beauty within. Stay true to that and never listen to people who say "you can't". There is always a way..! When it is time for you to be your own advocate I know you will make all the right choices for YOU! I hope you never use your differences to get things. Use it to help people if for anything. Never lose your courage, kindness or smile my sweet child. 

One day I will be old and I know between the three of you I will be in good hands. You have brought me much joy, many tears, countless sleepless nights, more smiles and laughs then I can count and most of all you have made my heart complete. I have you for such a short time and I will cherish this time so I have many memories to look back on when you spread your wings and fly. Whatever you might be going through, when you read this know.... It will be okay and the sun will shine through again... I promise... And I never make a promise I can't keep..!!

Love you to the moon

Around the stars 

And back again 

   Momma

Sharing this makes me cry as my babies grow up. I look at them and know I am raising well rounded, opinionated, sassy and independent woman for our future.....