I have been thinking about how to write this for a few months, but the thought of it also makes me sad so I just haven't wanted to. I must be very careful with what I share, while also getting my thoughts out, because honestly crying in the shower is starting to ruin my showers now!! And thats my alone time!!!!
Life is complicated, but I had no idea how complicated it could get until it did! Sometimes things happen in life and we never understand why. Things that all we want and desire are answers for why they happened. That's what my life has been like for the past 7 years with little miss Charlotte, but in May, she was really put though the ringer. She was in situations that were unexpected and unknown to me. So even I didn't have the words to soothe her because I couldn't understand or wrap my head around what was was taking place. I later found out we came very close to losing her she was sick!
A basic run down, in 2 weeks and 6 days Charlotte had 4 surgeries. Not going into to much detail out of respect for her, I will say things got very serious, very fast. There were complications that everyone, including doctors were not prepared for taking place. These were the cause of some of the surgeries and why she later went back for a fifth surgery.
Everything started in mid May, with a simple fall! Now her life has changed forever. She didn't finish 1st grade because she was not cleared to go back to school until this fall. So she just jumped into 2nd grade and that is something that she isn't mentally ready for. I hate hearing her cry because she doesn't understand it, can't do it as fast as everyone else or is tired and just to sleep. It is heart breaking. It is something she is having to face now and she knows she is different.
When I finally just sit and think about everything, all that she has went though, all 20 surgeries, and everything thats happened this past May, I don't understand why. I have seen her go things I wouldn't wish on anyone, watched her push through pain no one should ever have to go through and she's seven. Then I watch her with daily struggles also, and now have a whole new set of worries. Life will NEVER be the same after this. No headache, stomach flu or infection doesn't raise a red flag now. That is so scary to come to the admit!
I feel sad for the older girls also. Sad that this is their normal. That having their little sister go from an appointment and then into an unknown surgery is "normal" to them. Having her not complete school and having to be the ones to explain to class mates that she's just "not there". Then having her come home a very different person then she had left and having to just accept this because there are really no answers, is all really just another day to them and normal life. This makes me both sad and very proud of them as humans. They handled everything very well and I am lucky to have such exceptional girls. They never have asked what happened, not for the full answers, maybe they can tell I'm not ready to handle giving them. However, they knew something happened to her and life and she would never be the same.
This is the journey we have been given to navigate through and the way I see it, we have no other options but to proceed through life and carry on. So as Charlotte says, we must remember to "Smile just because" and maybe that will make the sad days shine a little brighter.
