Not living to hit POST

     

     As I sit here preparing for tomorrow I cant help but think about my childhood and how much things have changed. Some ways because I am no longer a kid and some because of how much everything and peoples values and morals have changed.

     To start I don't remember stress during the holiday season like I experience now. I remember cookie baking, candy eating, playing with my brother, setting up my grandmas Christmas tree, then setting up ours, searching the house and low for the hidden presents, hanging garland on out door ways and the banister of our stairs (that was my favorite) and music. My mom always had music on growing up, not Christmas music, just music always playing. Now I still love these things, but I still stress the rest. Which family this year? What exactly do the kids want? How am I going to do that? Making sure the dog doesn't eat the tree. Making sure the kids remember not everyone is as lucky as they are. Making sure their holiday memories are as memorable as mine were..... That's hard living up to that.

     Also I am sad as to what has become important to people around holidays. People as long as I can remember have focused on the gifts and how much you can spend and how many presents you can buy. I have never been that way, nor was I raised that way. We got one big gift, the one we asked for and then a few little things. I have carried that over as a mother. My kids are not spoiled or even close to spoiled on Christmas. I like this. They love giving more then receiving and this is also something I desire them to have inside.

     But more then that I feel social media has taken over the pure enjoyment of holidays. I have watched though out the year first thing done is TAKE A PICTURE AND HIT POST..... I find this so sad, though I too fell into this more then once. Lets start Valentines, a picture of whatever your whatever got you, Easter, dying eggs, searching for eggs and the after math, St.Pattys, The green and beer, then beach trips for Spring break, and Memorial Day BBQs, 4th Of July, the parties and matching outfits, Labor Day, camping pics, Halloween costumes and tricker treating (I feel into this one), Thanksgiving turkeys and as soon as the tree is up POST. The Christmas morning phones are out right away to snap and post..... Not to mention babies in the first 10 min, birthdays and EVERYTHING....

     Ill stay focused on Christmas since its tomorrow.... As a child on Christmas morning I remember waking my brother up, then the parents, if that some times it was they better hear us running down stairs, I remember my mom and sitting and watching us dive in and ripping paper, drinking coffee or diet coke, enjoying the moment and living in the moment..!! Don't get me wrong, they took a few pictures, on a camera, got them developed and we have them in an album some place. I want my girls to experience this feeling, without my phone in my hand, without posting everything about their lives and everything that happens. When did it become so important to share all these things with the 150 friends on Facebook? Why is it so important to show everything you bought? Why do we see our children's face through a phone screen as we click the picture rather then watching them and not worrying about the prefect capture to post? This for me is something I want to stop doing..! Something I want to change. I want to enjoy then young and not worry about posting something.

     This is just was crossing my mind as I start some new traditions and carry on some old.... I hope everyone has a joyful, peaceful and relaxing holiday.... Merry Christmas..
   

Things I've learned THREE kids deep

     I have three girls. They are ages 7 3/4, 4 1/2 and 3. Kids are amazing, special, little teachers of things you didn't know you held deep inside, but they do not come with a manual. Some days I really wish they did, that as you popped that baby out there was a book for this individual little being that you are now responsible for. 

     

     I was a young mom, not unheard of young and not teen mom young, but still young. I had just turned 20 when I had my oldest. Although I don't think you can ever really be "ready", I was ultra NOT ready. Thank goodness I had help from family and friends. To guide and show me things like how to change a diaper, hold/make a bottle or burp (I never really learned the whole burping thing even with three). Once you have that itty bitty baby, there is no going back. There will be winning, losing, trying, failing, smiling, laughing and crying your eyes out. These might happen more the first days and weeks and most likely months, but carries on forever I think. Then at 23 I had my second "bundle of joy". She also wasn't planned and I wasn't ready for her either. Like I said, I don't think you ever are fully ready. But I had a better grasp on how to take care of her at least. Then at 24 I had my planned third. But she was also my LAST. And with her now three I can finally say, I think I have learned a lot more then I ever thought possible about being a mom. Here are just a few things that I have learned and changed from that first time around....

* No child cares about a top sheet nor a comforter really. That's all us, give them a blanket and call it good.

* If you really want them to eat something, give them dip. It doesn't matter what kind really as long as they like it, just use the word DIP.

* Giving medicine slow and nicely isn't the way to go in my opinion, neither is a spoon full. For me what works best and not ending with them spitting it at me, put it in a syringe, squirt that shit fast and give them a juice chaser. Works every time.

* If you need to have them up by 6:30 am, aim for 6 am. You will likely have everyone up by 6:45 am and still be running late. I'm not hear to set you up for lies.

* While playing a game, if you happen win, likely because you actually know how to play and decided to not let them win, YOU CHEATED...!!! 

* Bath time will never be quick. If it just so happens they actually want to take a speedy bath, say to watch a show, it will also be the ONE time shampoo or soap gets into the eyes dragging it out to the normal length. 

* Shit is going to spill, whether it be juice, soda, coffee, wine, pediasure or milk. You can either get mad/frustrated and clean it up or clean it up, realizing this won't be the last time and move on. Option is yours. 

* Dirt won't kill them. Neither will letting go of the swing, falling off a bike, eating grass, dirt, sand, the occasional crayon or drinking bubbles. Always buy non toxic or make your own because it happens. 

* THEY DO NOT CARE IF THEY MATCH, you do. If they want their nails painted 10 different colors just do it, the day will come where they won't even let you paint them a solid color. 

* Playing 20 questions is no longer a game. However 876,342,567 questions is your new reality! 

* The question why, will never have an suitable answer for not asking why again to the answer you just gave. Also the "why phase" never really ends, it just changes. 

* The terms "quiet voice" "stop yelling" "no running" "inside voice" "stop screaming" "stop fighting" will come out of your mouth more times in one day then you ever thought possible in a life time. Tomorrow you WILL repeat this.!

* When you do their hair in the morning, don't think this will last longer then 15 minutes, that would for sure be unreasonable expectations. 

* Saying "because I said so" is only hard the first time. After that it is way easier and you will feel less and less like your mom with each use.

* Lines in a color book are over rated, hell the pictures are over rated. 

* If you ever want to take a bath without eyes watching you or mouths talking to you, wait till they are ASLEEP for the night. Otherwise that bathroom is open to all. 

* Never speak when you are mad, words come out wrong and you can never take those back.!

     These are just a few things I have picked up. Being a mom is the best, most rewarding thing possible. It's also the most challenging, most emotional, most upsetting and frustrating thing possible. I wouldn't change it for anything. They are my everything and they alone have made me the person inside I knew I could be. My expectations for them are to simple, be what and who they want to be and do better then  I did in life, I think that should be everyone's goal for their kids. 

So to Abigail, Brooklynn and Charlotte, be the best that you can be and know I will always catch you when you fall. 

Unlikely Friendship

     Good friends are hard to come by, so when you meet someone you click with, you should try to keep them around. As long as after the honey-moon phase of the friendship, you still click. Sometimes these people are the most unlikely people possible. However much like the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover", I have learned you can't just a person by the situation. 

     

     I have a best friend. She is someone who gets me through more rough patches in life I ever thought I would have. She is an amazing mother, wife, friend and soul. If her husband hadn't of asked her to marry him, I may have asked her. I still say we should all live in a huge house, raise our kids and have one big happy family, on land, with dogs, horses a few cats and live stock. (I haven't thought about this or anything right) We just click and have from the first day we met.

     

     We are not childhood friends, we did not go to any of the same schools, and we did not have any "friends" in common. Crazy right. In fact when when we tell the story on how we did meet, most people response is "and you guys are friends after that?". With this, I believe we both respond with "not just friends, BEST friends".  

     

     I was 22 when we met she was close to turning 19. Not to bad of an age difference, for us anyway. I will now tell you the unique story on how we, two almost creepy status alike girls met.... The year was 2007. Month December. My ex fiancé and I had been "working" on things since July. I was over there a lot so thought things were going well. What can I say, I was dumb and he is a player. 

    

    It all started with good old MySpace..!! That's right this was back in the day before Facebook was the social media site of choice. Things had started changing between my ex and I and I had that gut feeling, "I'm being played", so I turned on my snoopy switch and went to town. Given he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, it wasn't hard to figure out and she wasn't hard to find. When I confronted him he gave the lame excuse that he didn't know how to tell me. (Seriously A: stop having sex with me B: Stop inviting me to hang out and C: fucking tell me....not hard guys, not hard) This was not the first time he cheated ( Shame on me I know) so I knew the game well with him. Her name was Kristin. I vividly remember looking through her pictures a bit annoyed because she was pretty, liked the same things as me, we had the same style and both were "plain". I was freaking pissed because I didn't fully hate her just by looking at her. 

     

     So at this point I did what any rational girl heart broken girl would do.... I searched her page and looked for someone to contact so she knew he was also playing her. I felt like she should at least know the whole story, because I knew he left out the part he was still seeing me. I found one girl in most of her pictures that didn't have the same last name, (contacting family felt weird) wrote a message... And I fastly got a response. 

   

     According to her friend they were never really dating, she had been avoiding his calls for a few weeks because she was over him and he was to boring. I didn't understand this till I found out her age. She was18 years old, he was 32. YIIICCCKKKKSSSSSS..... She was a baby... Well after all this I met her friend and we got along hanging out often. What can I say we liked drinking, both worked weird hours and we clicked. About a month later I was talked into meeting Kristin. The rest is history.

    

     We more then clicked. We have the same corky habits, like, rubbing our feet together a certain way when tired, the way we say certain words with T's and I's (kit-tin, cur-tin, but-ton, you get the idea) same body frame and we even both smile and giggle when nervous or are in trouble. It was hella weird. But I LOVED her.

     

     As years went by our friendship was always there, but in the past 3 years it has gotten stronger then anything I thought possible. I mean seriously she was the other woman, how close can you get? Her and I live 10 hours away from each other and talk daily. I love her kids and she loves mine. We do not have the same views and opinions on everything, but we accept the difference respect each other and leave well enough alone. She knows every detail about my life, good, bad, sad, tragic, confusing, happy, exiting and disappointments. She knows what I'm thinking before I say it. She accepts my faults without trying to change me. She's my best friend. 

     

     I never really thought I would be in anyone's wedding,  my friends all have sisters and I know sisters come first in weddings as they should, but I was in hers and proud to stand up there with her sisters. I have gained a support system from her family, and they also accept and trust me. I tell them what I think, even if they don't want to hear it, (she knows who I am talking about) her mom is a kind soul who raised three amazing girls I wouldn't trade them for the world. 

     We recently decided to get tattoos, a week before her wedding, the day of her bachelorette party and visible for all her wedding pictures. (We managed to make a few people upset with this decision)    We realized shortly after, in the past 6 years we have never really been in a fight, let's hope we don't get in one now with these life long tattoos. 

                     "EHFAR" "Everything Happens For A Reason" 

     Thing is I didn't marry this guy I was so heart broke over, I didn't have my happy ever after with him. And I have learned sometimes people come in your life for a reason you don't see at the time. His purpose for me was to bring me my best friend. To give me someone who would never hurt me, someone who understands me, accepts me, loves me and knows my value.... That clearly wasn't him. He first brought me her, then her family and now I have all these wonderful people surrounding me. 

     Everything happens for a reason, even when you can't see it at the time.  So Kristin, thank you for being the scandalous other woman, thanks for not being the typical bitch when you found out and thanks for realizing he was a d-bag and I was awesome. Thank you for loving me and bringing me into your life and everyone's life around you.... You are now and always will me best friend, no matter what....

           

     

     

     

     

Any givin moment

     At any given moment, anything can happen and anything can change. You can't prepare for all the wind storms, tight curves, steep mountains or sharp rocks thrown your way, but that doesn't stop me from trying.
     Daily, I ask myself what will YOU learn from today? What will YOU look back on and regret? What will make YOU happy in this moment and for the long road?

     I do not always have an answer to these. I rarely am close to having an answer to any of these questions to be honest, but I ask anyway. I ask in hopes that one day I will.
     My life right now is crazy and messy. Starting fresh is never easy and dealing with 100 foot deep skeletons makes it even harder. I have chosen to keep countless things buried inside for many reasons. Mostly because of fear and the lack of time for a mental break down....!! Though the timing isn't perfect right now, I realize the time will never be "right" for fear.

     Fear drags you down low, lower than anything. I have decided I am ready to start coming up from the buried skeletons. Ready to find me. The woman I was meant to be. The mom I know I can be. The daughter I once was. The friend my friends deserve. I am ready to let the past go, let the hurt and pain no longer rule my inner beauty.
     This road IS NOT GOING to be easy. This road is going SUCK in more ways I can count. I will cry, laugh, have anger, pity, sorrow. I will smiles and I will be devastated all at the same time. But I am finally ready.
     May this journey leads me to peace, happiness, and forgiveness...

Happy birthday anyways

My older brother would be 29 today. It still seems crazy he didn't make it past 11. And now that I have done so much more then he ever did. I wonder everyday how my life would be different then it is today had he not choose to leave? I wonder what he would look like? If he would have kids? A wife? If we would be close like we were when we were little? My life will never feel complete because he is missing..!!! Christopher you are forever and always loved, missed and thought of and today will always be your day!!!

Today is tougher then yesterday 

It gets worse every year

Today I would love nothing more 

Then to have you near

At 11 you made a life decision 

You could never rethink 

You didn't consider all the people 

All the lives you would also changed in a blink

We talked about you vaguely

Just enough to not cry

Today you would be 29 

And we can't even say hi!

Mom tears up 

And I hold back

I wait till the dark 

Then self control I lack 

People said it will get easier 

But they for sure lied

Because the truth is 

It never gets easier saying good-bye

Today saddens my heart

My brother you will always be 

You should be blown out candles

You should be with me

I'll you forever

I'll miss you for always