When I was 9 my world turned upside down. I was a young girl. I didn't know the full impact of what was going on. I didn't know how it would truly change my life and who I was. My "dad" left! Big deal right? It happened to many of us growing up and we made it out ok. Divorce isn't that shocking and it wasn't the major event that would form me into the person I am today. I'm sure it had a small impact, but not major. Shortly after that event happened, my brother died. It was only the two of us growing up and we were CLOSE. Everyone always said I was his shadow. If Christopher was there I wasn't far behind. So losing him was the first day I became lost, and I don't think I have ever found myself or dealt with the loss.
Now losing someone also isn't out of the ordinary and I know this, but I can honestly say I wish it had been a car accident, cancer, heart attack anything "natural". No instead my 11 year old brother commit suicide, being the youngest to have commit suicide at that time. Now when I was younger and people would say he was selfish and stupid I would get extremely upset. He was a sad lonely boy, who thought he was the problem and the reason our family was no longer together. That if he wasn't here my "dad" would return to us. Again he was 11! To say these things about an innocent boy was appalling and disgusting to me. How dare they. Though some how my mom and I made it though those years, still here and standing. Some days stronger than others, but never forgetting that pain.
Now, I am 27 with kids. I understand a little more of what people meant. Though still horrible timing to have said such mean things. But he was a selfish ass. He didn't think ahead at all, he didn't think past that moment and that feeling at the time. He didn't think of everything he would deprive other people of by making this ONE final decision! All he thought about was the pain HE felt that moment, probably a few weeks of pain actually. Probably the years of being bullied for being hard of hearing, back when schools didn't do anything. He thought about the negative in our lives, he didn't see a way out of the depression. I understand all of this, but I don't understand why I wasn't enough to make him think twice? And this is the problem with suicide!
Because he was my only sibling, he has deprived my children of having an uncle on my side, cousin from my side , I will never get real blood nieces, or a sister in law. My mom will never get to be the mother in-law. Now that I am older, I miss the adult sibling relationship I never got the chance to have. I miss the family that broke that day. I miss the protector he was suppose to be as my older brother. I miss nieces or nephews! I miss him making mistakes instead of me and learning from his. (Living up to a perfect 11 year old has been an epic failure) I miss loving Spring time, the 4th of July, the holidays and our Christmas Eve sleep outs.
To end, I don't hate him, I don't think he is a horrible person. I think he had a selfish moment that he let take his life forever. As selfish as the act was, I also understand the feeling of no way out, the loneliness he felt, the solution he found himself in thinking it was the answer. The problem with suicide is, though it's a selfish act, everyone around feels guilty and is left with a feeling of unworthiness. A feeling that can break an entire family and leave you with the never ending, never to be answered questions of why? Why him? Why not someone else? Why wasn't I enough? I will live asking these forever. I will missing things we never had forever. The fact I will never have my brother back and I dread the day I have to explain to my girls why their uncle isn't here.