The past 9 months I have done a lot of self growth. I'm not sure if its age, my children or just trying to deal all the skeletons in my closet slowly. But I am glad I have started this journey whatever the reason.
Some things over the past week have led me to think about why I am where I am today, and why I am not ME. A few weeks ago I heard a song by 3 Doors Down called " Let me be myself" and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. This is my main issue and I know if I let me be me again everything will change..! This however is easier said then done and it doesnt happen over night.
When I got pregnant with my second child, I was not far from rock bottom. I knew I wasn't at rock bottom because I had been there a few months back...! This was my SECOND child out of wed lock, (because I dont learn the lesson the first time around I guess) I wasn't ready for another one and I didn't want to be stuck! I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore and I didn't know what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to be the girl with all these kids that came across as a whore, because I wasn't. So we decided to get married (after lots of pressure and being told what to do)...
This is where I lost me and became what would he wanted and what his family would accept. At this time I didnt realize this was going on or maybe I didnt want to see it. This was the biggest mistake I could have made. In short detail, it started out as kinda a basic list of dos and don't when we were around family, shortly after it became apparent my beliefs or thoughts on compelling issues didnt matter because they were different and "wrong". I was young and dumb so I just kept my mouth shut and always nodded..! I never should have lead on that I agreed. I mean seriously, just leave the room right?? I think this went on for so long it started to become unclear to me what I actually thought on things. Until I started trying to remember me. The old me, the real me..! I'm not saying this is his fault at all. We were both young. Just things are so hard when you are young and in this situation. We did what we thought was best and that ended up to be a disaster in the long run.
So here is what I believe as of now, never judge others, you are not in their shoes and never will be, you don't knew what roads they have been down nor where they will go. So treat everyone with the kindness and respect they deserve. We answer for our life and our choices, no one else's, so who cares who a man marries or loves, not me, it's not my place to make a girl keep an unwanted baby just because I did and I know the out come can be okay, it's not my place to talk trash about the guy on the corner, I have no idea what he has been through, seen or done...! Help when you can, one day you might need it! Never turn your back on someone because they don't handle a situation like you would, they are not you!
This is going to be a long stop and go road for me, but it's time to let me be me again..! And find who I was, let her go, and become who I desire to be...