Baseball Life

   
     I had my first daughter 8.5 years ago. I was not the ideal mom right away, it took me a while to really accept the role and feel like I deserved her. It also took even longer to realize she needed me. Since her I have had two more, a total of THREE girls.... Teen years should be fun in this house, that's for sure..!! I was always glad I had girls since my brother passed away it would bring up less sadness because they would do girl things. 

     Baseball season has started... Okay so it started a while ago and I am just sharing this. Abigail has been asking me to put her in baseball for a little over two years now. I have always come up with excuses because the sport holds a sore spot in my heart.

     My brother who pasted away 19 years ago (seems like yesterday it happened) played baseball for many years, well from T-Ball to the year he died. He was not the best player, but he had a fun out going attitude  they all wanted on the team. Also that boy could RUN.

     After Christoper past away the sport was never the same. Rather then T-Ball my mom and I started going to professional games. I had spent so much time at the baseball fields for practice, games, meetings or even pepperoni sales. I grew up watching the same boys play, I made friends with their younger siblings had my first "kiss" in the score box. As you can see little league baseball brought brought back a lot of memories.

     After a year of dealing with some things I finally asked her if she wanted to play this year. She of course said YES.... The next week I signed her up before I changed my mind.

The first practice I cried my eyes out. It was hard watching her. Not to mentions she also sucked, so it was like watching him play miss the ball and run after it. However I had never felt like more of mom then I did at that moment. I had also never felt so close to him, feeling like I was bringing something so close to his life into theirs. Its as close as they can get to a relationship with him. That made me both happy and sad....

     I have figured out how to make new relationships with my brother and let go of the past one we had as children. I found new ways to accept the emptiness then feeling unworthy of him daily. I have learned to not be ashamed of him being my brother and to bring him into my kids life the best I can. Say his name. Play baseball. Play the piano. Remember the good and the bad, talk about it and be happy to talk about it.

      Now with my daughter I have a gained a bond I didn't know was possible between us. I finally feel like a real mom, a needed mom and an important mom. I think she needed this window open and so did I.

      Sometimes you have to take a risk, make the jump and let yourself into the unknown to get something so great you didn't know it was possible. I have regained a love for the sport and watching little ones play. I can do it without being sad and make new memories now. For this I am grateful. Ill end with a few pictures of my baby playing the American game...

The Jamboree... First time to play a game

She loves running the bases

Playing catcher like a pro